Good for Her, Not for Me

We talk about a quote from Amy Poehler’s wonderful memoir, Yes, Please, that has helped us be less judgmental of others: “Good for her! Not for me.”

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We’d like to celebrate the fact that this is our 40th episode! We’re proud of exploring so many different topics and sharing our experiences with being semi-together in our own lives. Thank you for being here and all the lovely comments you’ve sent our way!  

One we’d like to share is a new listener review from Apple Podcasts that absolutely made our day. The title is “Thoughtful and inspiring,” and it says, “I love how organized the episodes are and I’m grateful for the actionable takeaways they provide. It is so affirming to hear people talk about things I have struggled with for years. Thank you for putting so much dedication into this podcast!!”

Thank you so much! This is exactly what we hope our listeners will get out of Semi-Together. If you like the show and haven’t reviewed it yet, we would love to hear from you, too.

Good for Her, Not for Me

Today’s episode is inspired by a quote from the wonderful book, Yes, Please by Amy Poehler, that has helped us both be less judgmental of others when their choices are different from ours: 

“I have many friends who have had natural childbirth. I applaud them. I have friends who have used doulas and birthing balls and pushed out babies in tubs and taxicabs.

I have a friend who had two babies at home! In bed! Her name is Maya Rudolph! She is a goddamn baby champion and she pushed her cuties out Little House on the Prairie style!

Good for her! Not for me. 

That is the motto women should constantly repeat over and over again. Good for her! Not for me.”

We both loved this book when we read it years ago, and Gill reminded Melia of this motto some months ago. It is clear, compassionate, and non-judgmental, and it sets clear boundaries.  

Women often have a harder time with this “you do you” mentality than men do for a variety of personal and societal reasons. We can judge other women who make different choices than we do. It can be because we think we know best for everyone, or because we’re actually insecure about our choices and are trying to justify them. 

And we’re often expected to meet absurd and unrealistic standards, of being the perfect [fill in the blank: employee, friend, partner, mother, etc.] – all while looking gorgeous and effortless. That pressure can feed our judgment of others, especially when we feel like we’re falling short of these impossible standards.

We can feel like when someone else makes a different choice, it’s a condemnation of our own choice and we get defensive – when they’re just making the choice that’s a fit for them. 

A caveat here: “Good for her, not for me” applies to opinions and decisions that don’t hurt the health, safety, or human rights of others. It does not apply to choices that are clearly harmful to people and society – like not wearing a mask in public in COVID times, not believing Black Lives Matter, not supporting equal rights for LGBTQ people, etc.

We share our experiences where “Good for her, not for me” has been most helpful in:

  • Parenting 
  • Religion
  • Body image and appearance 
  • Traditional measures of success 
  • Big life decisions 

One more caveat is that we haven’t been perfect at these things ourselves. We have certainly learned from some well-intentioned but unhelpful things that we’ve said in the past. Our intention is not to shame or judge – but to take shame and judgment about our choices out of the equation altogether. 

Good for Her, Not for Me Tips

Here are a few tips for saying “Good for her, not for me” and meaning it sincerely!

  1. Lead with curiosity and compassion. Melia has these two words engraved on either side of a metal disc that she keeps on her key ring. You cannot go wrong here!
  2. Grow your confidence in your own choices. Be intentional in considering your own decisions and if they’re a good fit for you.
  3. Know and acknowledge your triggers. And have a sense of humor about them when possible.
  4. Ask, “Does her choice affect me?” Hint: When you stop ‘should’ing, it opens the space for people to make a range of different choices, without there needing to be one right or best one.

We hope that we can all adopt Amy Poehler’s brilliant and liberating motto, “Good for her, not for me” and all feel more free to make our own choices without judgment from others.

Get It Together / Got It Together

We each share something that we’d like to work on and something that’s going well for us right now.

Melia Got It Together: Hanging the art

Melia’s Get It Together: Not engaging as much with her kids while hanging the art 

Gill’s Get It Together: Feeling stressed and short tempered a lot of the time

Gill’s Got It Together: Going for walks

Get In Touch

How is “good for her, not for me” helpful in your life? Do you have any tips for putting it into practice? Email us at podcast[at]semitogether.com or send us a voice memo.

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